Men: How we Think, What we Want

I agree ma'am, wholeheartedly. We should know why you are upset. But you just will not tell us, and we really do not know why. You see the problem is that women assume that men have the same mind that they do, and that we perceive things in the exact same light. False. We men really are simple. Sometimes my female friends will complain to me, saying that men don't make any sense to them. "How did he not pick up on that hint?" They might ask. "It was right in front of his eyes." That's where you are wrong ladies. In your mind "Oh that's pretty" means "I want that, you should buy it for me someday." Here is how that translates into a male's mind. "She thinks that's pretty." After years of training we may learn to start picking up on these incredibly subtle hints that women seem to drop, but trust me, it takes quite a long while for most of us. Here I will do my best to try and explain to the greater sex what we men are actually thinking about. I will try to explain our actions in a way that you could understand, and, hopefully, you will begin to understand that it isn't because we don't pay attention (i assure you, we hear what you say) we just don't understand the female mind.

Please take note: I am writing from the perspective of a "good" man. One who holds doors for women and believes in the sanctity of monogamous relationships.

Honestly ladies, not a whole lot. This is my completely and wholly un-scientific and unproven opinion. We men were the hunters. Women were the gatherers, the ones who brought up the children, the ones who talked to other cave-ladies. You learned to multi-task. We did not. We learned how to kill things in such a way that we do not die ourselves and that is about ALL we did for a few millennia. That's why when we see something; we can become engrossed completely in it. My girlfriend and mother have explained to me that they can talk on the phone, watch TV, and be on the computer while devoting equal attention to all of them AT THE SAME TIME. This statement perplexes me. If I am on the phone, I have to separate myself from any other stimulants or I will, undoubtedly, lose focus on the conversation, something that thoroughly perplexes women. You see, we are just different, and that is not all.

"That dress looks nice" means "That dress looks nice" to a man, and that is IT. When a man says something, unless his voice is obviously dripping with sarcasm, he means it. A woman might hear something along these lines "That dress looks nice for a woman of your age." Or "that dress would have looked nice back in the 50s." Or even "That dress is ugly as sin." Women need to understand that if a man says something to them, especially if it is a man who has no desire to get in their pants (as you will read later) he is probably telling the truth. Please know that ladies. We really do not speak in subtext. We mean what we say, no more and no less.

"Do you only think of sex?!?" No ma'am, but we think about it a lot. Even the most sophisticated, well-read, educated, sensitive guy thinks about it. It’s nature. We have a natural urge to procreate, but we can suppress it (Of course some guys are pigs and all they want to do is have anonymous sex with as many women as possible, but some women are sluts so the curve balances out). We can't help but think about sex, and that doesn't make us disgusting pigs that just makes us guys. Cut us some slack.

"Does this make my butt look big?" Now ladies, we may be simple, but we are not stupid. We know enough about women to know when to lie. We will never call you fat or big or anything even close to the a synonym of large at risk of taking half an hour to get you to stop crying and to come out of the dressing room so that we don't miss our reservations. I'm sorry, but this is somewhat of a pet-peeve of mine and I know it really bothers some other men out there. We do not like it when you set us up for traps like that. If you think it does, then when we say it doesn't you will call us liars? If we say it does make your butt look big, even if it does, you will get mad at us for calling you fat (even though we didn't actually call you fat. You just perceived our response as such). Please, ladies, don't ask us things like that. You know it’s a set-up and we know it’s a set-up.

"Should I buy the red one or the blue one?" A man's most likely response is "I don't know." Or, "Red/Blue." (He will be just randomly picking one.) The reason we say that we don't know is because, and this, to us, makes loads of sense but to women makes none, WE DON'T KNOW. We don't have an eye for fashion. We don't know that yellow makes your complexion look sickish. We just do not know. We can't help it, we're men.

"He hasn't talked to me much today and he didn't respond to my last text, is he mad at me?" This is an easy one but it occurs far too often. If you did something to make him mad, he would have told you. Men don't do that silly cold shoulder thing. The reason he isn't talking to you much is probably because he's busy. He most likely doesn't realize he is upsetting you because, and this goes back up to the beginning, you didn't tell him. You just assume that we can read the tone in your last text (which may have just been "What are you doing??") and that you actually meant "Why aren't you talking to me, did I do something wrong? Are you with another woman right now? Is she prettier than me? What is wrong with me? Is it because I gained a little weight over the holidays? You gained weight too you jerk! Everyone does!" We cannot read that much into something. As I mentioned above, we're men.

So I'm sorry ladies, I apologize on behalf of my entire gender. We just don't understand you sometimes and we especially don't understand why you don't understand us. In our minds, you women just don't make ANY sense at all and we men are simple, simple creatures.